Monday, May 12

Still Pregnant...

I know it has been a very long time since I have posted last and I am sorry. Here's the thing, every time I got on my blog I was so sad because the only thing I have to blog about is how sick I am! And I know how old that gets (trust me) and it is not fun to read how much someone has thrown up so instead of boring you with the details of my days of puking, I just haven't posted I am sorry!
I am 14 weeks now Yahoo.. Things have gotten a little better even though I am still sick I have noticed a mild change. I occasionally have a good day out of the bunch and I actually clean cook and go grocery shopping when that happens. Then it seems like the next day I pay for it and I am SO sick again.
OK since I have written there is a lot I can tell you... I had an ultra sound at like week 9 I know way early right. anyway.. I HAD to know if there was more than one baby inside of me! I would literally pray every night to have multiples! I know I am an idiot. Anyway.. Heavenly Father decided one baby was good enough for us and my ultra sound proved there was just one little bean inside of me. I was a little disappointed I will have to admit, I feel so ungrateful for saying that but I was. I would have LOVED to have multiples heck make it a bunch a babies inside of me and I would only have to do this pregnancy thing once! yeah! that would have been nice. OK so I got over it really quickly and thought about all the pluses to having just one! and there was a lot I could think of. So needless to say I am over it.

OK, also I don't know if any of you know but Jessie Rich (well it's not rich any more but you know what I mean) had a baby girl. She is beautiful and they are doing well. But the reason why I am telling you... I was talking to Jessie, mostly confiding in her and telling her how I feel like an awful person because I am still in very much denial about having a baby! I was asking her when it hit her that she was pregnant? My friends I hang out with normally think I am crazy because it's almost like I forget that I am pregnant? Does any one else know what I am talking about? I thought it would all change when I herd the heart beat or when I saw it on the ultra sound or when I got bigger? but None of these things have changed how I felt. I keep waiting for my AH-HA moment as Oprah calls it but nothing of the sorts has really taken places. I feel like I am getting cheated out of this experience of being pregnant. My friends can't possibly imagine how I could forget I am pregnant when I am constantly sick! And I think that may be my problem. This last week or so when I have had a few hours of feeling better I have actually had the chance to be excited about the baby and think about colors in the nursery and things like that.. maybe when I feel better I will be a normal person again? Who knows? I just never thought I would be like this? I thought I would be painting the nursery already and buying baby furniture and clothes and making blankets? Yeah for your info I haven't bought one thing! not one for the baby. What is that supposed to mean?
The comforting thing was Jessie was the same way everything that she said I was thinking too. She said it didn't really hit her until she looked down and saw the baby's head was out when she was in labor. I think a small part of it may be in the back of my mind I think this is too good to be true. I have wanted nothing more then to be a mom for so long that I am terrified this is too good to be true. I don't want to live in fear and I don't think I do it's just the only thing that I can think of? Maybe it's just that we tried for so long that I just can't believe it is happening. From the second I saw the positive pregnancy test nothing has gone how I imagined it during all the time of waiting and wanting a baby. But oh well..
Don't get me wrong we ARE excited none the less, I try to talk about it more with Brandon because we don't talk about "the baby" that often. We have names though... we have a boy and a girl name. That made it more exciting when we decided on those. I will be finding out the sex next month, fingers crossed that we can tell! I will keep you more updated I promise and belly pictures will be coming soon.
Well there goes one more very public venting session!